Has anyone ever asked to borrow something that you did not want to lend, but you agreed to it anyway without saying anything? Or, has someone asked you to do something and you blew up at them without ever even discussing it?

These reactions can cause a breakdown in a relationship, as well as profoundly affect the trust between the parties. There is a way to communicate how you are feeling without becoming either a doormat or a volcano.

At a recent seminar “Gaining Respect through Assertive Communication,” I asked the audience what came to mind when they hear the word assertiveness, as often individuals confuse assertiveness with aggression and see it in a negative light.

Assertiveness has been defined as “expressing your personal preferences and defending your personal rights while respecting the preferences and rights of others.” (Communicate! Verderber, 2010)

Communicate! by Verderber

The key to speaking assertively is to preserve respect for yourself as well as the other party. This is achieved by maintaining focus on the events without getting personal, and using “I language” to communicate what you are feeling. Using ” I language” means you take responsibility for your feelings.

A good formula for this is: “When you [their behavior,] I feel [your feelings], and you can add your [desired change.] For example, “When you show up late, I feel frustrated, and I would like you to plan so you can be here on time.”

Elizabeth Scott, MS offers these suggestions for communicating assertively:

  1. Make sure your body reflects confidence: stand up straight, look people in the eye, and relax.
  2. Use a firm, but pleasant tone.
  3. Don’t assume you know what the other person’s motives are, especially if you think they’re negative.
  4. When in a discussion, don’t forget to listen and ask questions! It’s important to understand the other person’s point of view as well.

Try to think win-win: see if you can find a compromise or a way for you both to get your needs met. Assertive communication is not a guarantee that you will get what you want but has distinct advantages over yelling or remaining silent. The way we develop and maintain interpersonal relationships has a dramatic effect on the level of satisfaction both parties obtain.