Reading time: 3 – 4 minutes

Most people understand that anger can become destructive when people choose to act out in a manner which is violent. The fact that anger and violence are both often present in a situation does not automatically mean that the presence of one means the presence of the other.

Anger is a normal and natural emotion which results in a physical reaction to a threat whether real or imagined. When people allow themselves to experience their anger, the feeling is usually short-lived, yet problems occur when anger is seen as something to be avoided, and people suppress their feelings.

Anger is merely an emotion which gives you a choice of how to respond.

Appropriate handling of anger is an interpersonal skill which can be developed. Often we learn how to deal with anger by observing our parents or other significant people when we were young.

• Were you taught to discuss your feelings or stuff them?
• Did you grow up in an environment where anger was a destructive or a healthy emotion?

The problem with handling anger in an inappropriate way is it does nothing to resolve the situation and often makes things worse. Suppressing anger can result in physical illness such as migraines, hypertension, ulcers and even angina.

In addition, suppressing anger can result in you having a nuclear reaction to a firecracker event leaving those around you wondering why you got so upset over such a small incident.

Communication is irreversible and once you say something in anger, you cannot take it back. The paradox is that you are not reacting to the event that just happened but to the build up of scar tissue which has formed because you have not allowed yourself to deal with your anger productively in the past.

The key to dealing with anger in a useful way is to permit yourself to acknowledge the presence of anger and allow yourself to experience the physical sensations that go with it.

In addition, you must express your anger in a manner that meets your needs and the needs of the other people while maintaining respect. Focus on yourself and discuss your reaction to the situation in a manner that will help the other person understand your perception.

Watching the tone of voice you use is imperative because your tone helps the other person determine whether you are for or against them.

Sometimes it may mean taking a break from the situation to help you not respond in a manner which may render resolution impossible.

Another factor is whether the other individual is willing to discuss the circumstances. If they are not ready to work it out you may need to find another way to deal with your emotions.

In these situations, sometimes it is helpful to write your feelings down, and this will help you to vent without stuffing your feelings, or saying something you might regret. In any case, it is important that you find a healthy outlet for your feelings to avoid acting out in a manner which you will regret.

Elizabeth (Beth) A. Spears, PhD owns Workplace Communications, Inc.

Reading time: 2 – 4 minutes

Has anyone ever asked to borrow something that you did not want to lend, but you agreed to it anyway without saying anything? Or, has someone asked you to do something and you blew up at them without ever even discussing it?

These reactions can cause a breakdown in a relationship, as well as profoundly affect the trust between the parties. There is a way to communicate how you are feeling without becoming either a doormat or a volcano.

At a recent seminar “Gaining Respect through Assertive Communication,” I asked the audience what came to mind when they hear the word assertiveness, as often individuals confuse assertiveness with aggression and see it in a negative light.

Assertiveness has been defined as “expressing your personal preferences and defending your personal rights while respecting the preferences and rights of others.” (Communicate! Verderber, 2010)

The key to speaking assertively is to preserve respect for yourself as well as the other party. This is achieved by maintaining focus on the events without getting personal, and using “I language” to communicate what you are feeling. Using ” I language” means you take responsibility for your feelings.

A good formula for this is: “When you [their behavior,] I feel [your feelings], and you can add your [desired change.] For example, “When you show up late, I feel frustrated, and I would like you to plan so you can be here on time.”

Elizabeth Scott, MS offers these suggestions for communicating assertively:

1. Make sure your body reflects confidence: stand up straight, look people in the eye, and relax.
2. Use a firm, but pleasant tone.
3. Don’t assume you know what the other person’s motives are, especially if you think they’re negative.
4. When in a discussion, don’t forget to listen and ask questions! It’s important to understand the other person’s point of view as well.

Try to think win-win: see if you can find a compromise or a way for you both to get your needs met. Assertive communication is not a guarantee that you will get what you want but has distinct advantages over yelling or remaining silent. The way we develop and maintain interpersonal relationships has a dramatic effect on the level of satisfaction both parties obtain.

Elizabeth (Beth) A. Spears, PhD owns Workplace Communications, Inc.

Reading time: 2 – 4 minutes

If you have taken an assessment, this is for you. You may have taken any of the following assessments: Myers-Briggs (MBTI), Strengthfinders, Herrmann Brain Dominance Instrument (HBDI), DISC, Hogan, FIRO-B, Thomas-Killman Conflict Mode, Strong Interest Inventory…the list goes on.

This is a call for all owners, administrators and participants of assessments. An assessment is a process of collecting information and analyzing data with the intent of improving awareness, understanding and learning.

At some point in your life, you have probably taken an assessment individually or as part of  a group experience.

If you are an assessment administrator, you might be a human resources or organizational development professional, consultant, psychologist, social worker or other practitioner.

I hope that this request reaches organizations and creators of assessments too.

My goal is to create the biggest list possible. You can help me by telling what assessments you have taken. If you want to say why you liked it or what you got out of it – that would be a bonus.

Why? I am in the process of compiling information on assessments, which will be available through a new website. I want to be able to contact the owner of any assessment that you think should be included.

The assessments you tell me about will be at the top of the list and the first to be featured.

The kind of assessments I am talking about will fall into these kinds of categories:

• Behavioral Assessments
• Psychological  Assessments
• Social Assessments
• Physiological Assessments
• Personality Assessments
• Cultural Assessments
• Work/Life Assessments
• Independence Assessments
• Organizational Assessments
• Individual Assessments
• Group Assessments
• Others that you define

The assessments could be used in a variety of situations to provide measurement and feedback on:

• Communication
• Career Exploration
• Teamwork
• Leadership
• Independence
• Conflict Resolution
• Selection
• Retention
• Performance
• Anything else?

Here is how you can help – please be specific with lots of details!

1. List the assessments you have taken – it does not matter if someone else has said it, say it again because it tells me it is used frequently.
2. Identify the kind of situation it was used for
3. Contact or website information
4. If you are the owner of the assessment – leave information on how to contact you directly – either on the blog or send me an email with this link.
5. Most importantly, leave your information on the Elephants at Work blog comment section, even if you comment in another social media forum.

Thank you.

Lynn Dessert owns Leadership Breakthrough, improving personal communication and influence one-step at a time. Post your thoughts or email me!

Reading time: 4 – 6 minutes

Conflict. We all know it when we see it and often struggle to deal with it effectively. I often wonder why executives seem to have more difficulty with it. Is it because they are so visible and employees watch their every move or is it something else?

Last night as I watched The Apprentice, Rod Blagojeich, the former Illinois governor was fired. It was not because he did know how to use the computer or his cell phone to text to his team, but because he failed to deal with conflict.

This show is designed to see how well you react to conflict as a leader and follower. If there is not enough conflict in the challenges, the ultimate showdown is in the boardroom. Instead, I found myself getting bored with Rod’s charm or maybe I irritated with the political dance.

I admit it; I like to see a good and fair fight. Knowing where someone stands on an issue opens the dialogue to debate the pros and cons of a decision. It allows assumptions to be broken down.

Unproductive behaviors such as vacillation, avoidance or even passive-aggressiveness increase the level of distrust. For some odd reason, a few executives have used these behaviors effectively to propel their upward climb in the organization. It is a conundrum to me.

Dr. Hagberg, President of Hagberg Consulting Group states that many executives are conflict phobic. The research his group has done resonates with many of my personal and client experiences.

It often presents itself as a moral dilemma. Here are some of the questions I get:

• How honest can I be if I want to move up the career ladder?
• Is it better for me to be noncommittal vs. putting my opinion out there?
• Do executive teams want to hear something that is different from their perception?
• What do I do if my opinion is controversial?
• How do I build trust with someone I cannot trust?
• Why does my manager avoid giving me feedback?
• What do I do about the person who refuses to listen?
• How do I change my boss’s or the organization’s perception?

There is no easy answer on how to get someone else to deal with conflict. You can control how you approach someone, however, if they do not want to address it, you will see those unproductive behaviors repeatedly.

I will give you an example. Brenda thought she had a collegial relationship with someone who worked at a prior company. Joe was in senior management and subsequently left the organization too. They both reconnected because of their professional network and similar independent endeavors. In the course of some exchanges, Brenda said something that rubbed Joe the wrong way and she had no idea about it.

The next thing Brenda knew, her network with Joe vanished. After some investigation, she determined it might be something she said. Joe never said anything to her but did something to make it obvious. What should she do about it?  It was clear that Joe’s way of dealing with it was to avoid discussing it.

Brenda decided to contact Joe to acknowledge the relationship shift and to convey her disappointment. She had hoped that if there was a difference of opinion, that Joe would share his point of view candidly with her.

At this point, Joe has two choices – to initiate a conversation or to continue the conflict by avoiding it.

Conflict does not have to be mean or nasty. It can be as simple as subtle friction or uneasiness.

Brenda has not heard from Joe. It might be time to let the relationship retire.

Executives seem to be masters at passive conflict. It is hard to find because they like to hide it. Maybe there is some level of satisfaction in thinking they have addressed it secretly rather than being forthright. The only trouble is that it promotes distrust.

When you do find it, approach it like regular conflict. Ask to open a dialogue. At the very least, you know you have done what you can to repair the relationship.

Can you think of instances where conflict was present, yet camouflaged?

Lynn Dessert owns Leadership Breakthrough, improving personal communication and influence one-step at a time. Post your thoughts or email me!

Reading time: 2 – 4 minutes

“So you are saying even being direct was not getting through to this assistant. I think asking them what they think, and if they heard what the problem is can make sure the other person heard this issue” is a follow-up comment by the reader who prompted this blog post.

In this particular blog post, the boss believed they were being direct with finesse. Their interpretation of finesse was to deliver a clear message with an increased emphasis on sparing the recipient’s feelings. Sometimes this approach backfires for a number of reasons:

1. The boss becomes more concerned with the reaction of the employee and dilutes the message.
2. The employee walks away believing the issue is minor when it is a major one.
3. The boss assumes their subordinate wants to be talked to the way he or she wants to hear things – when it may be very different.

It is my guess that the boss may have tried to follow up with the questions this reader is posing, though the conversation may have been cut short. It is more likely, other factors were working against them.

These types of conversations are usually not the ones that bosses want to have with their employees and visa versa. If we play out the scenario differently, it is probable the employee acted like they understood. After all, he or she wants to get out of the hot seat as soon as they can! Alternatively, the boss wants to dispose of this difficult conversation quickly.

The solution is – ensure that conversations complete the full feedback loop approach. If you follow these steps, you will increase your success with difficult conversations:

Step 1: Define the problem clearly with examples.

Step 2: Identify how the problem affects results or relationships.

Step 3:  If you have a preferred solution, share it; otherwise brainstorm and explore options together.

Step 4: Agree on a solution. The solution will include specific behavior changes, reinforcements and timing. The solution should focus on delivering the desired outcome(s).

Step 5: Discuss how this new behavior or result will look when you see it (the successful outcome). Be detailed in the description – create a picture where the employee visually sees themselves doing it.

Step 6: Ask the other person to restate their understanding of each step. Learn how to ask better questions by avoiding closed-end questions. Let them tell you what they think in their own words.

Step 7: Set a meeting time to review progress and make adjustments.

To help facilitate the discussion, consider sharing this model with the employee before you start the conversation. They will know what to expect as the discussion progresses and you will find less resistance to correcting undesirable behaviors and outcomes.

Lynn Dessert owns Leadership Breakthrough, improving personal communication and influence one-step at a time. Post your thoughts or email me!

Reading time: 3 – 5 minutes

Today’s workplace has many challenges to ‘getting along’ including the demographic shift which has occurred creating multiple generations existing in the workplace. Part of the conflict arises because the diverse generations each have their own set of values, and very different communication styles. This, in conjunction with the high level of stress in most workplaces makes conflict a problem faced by most organizations.

Even those organizations enjoying the distinction of being voted into Fortune’s Top 100 places to work have to face conflict, In recent interviews for my upcoming book, Dixon-Schwabl, Nixon-Peabody and Zappos all voiced the need to deal with conflict in a constructive manner. “It is important not to ignore it or try to sweep it away,” stated Scott Turner, a managing partner in Nixon-Peabody. Wegmans and Dixon-Schwabl also said they are working on ways to improve the way they deal with conflict. The truth is differences of opinion can be created any time a diverse mix of people come together in a workplace, and occurs even in the healthiest of organizations. The key is to utilize constructive confrontation to deal with conflict instead of pretending it does not exist or waiting until it breaks into open warfare.

A recent request was made of the author to create a program to help 34 CEOs from Mexico, South America, and Latin America to train them in “working with the spoken media in situations if an unforeseeable event occurs in the company.” In some of these circumstances the “unforeseeable event” is the result of observable symptoms of unrest that were ignored and left to fester. Conflict does not go away when disregarded, and in fact usually gets worse and has a negative influence on the productivity and communication in a workplace.

Conflict, when managed properly, can result in a better, more productive workplace full of creativity. Instead often angry employees choose not to deal with their feelings openly and this starts the destructive cycle of conflict.

Anger involves complex feelings and our response to anger involves our thought processes. One of the ways conflict manifests is when an individual appraises a contact with another and evaluates the interaction based on their life own experiences up until that point. They then react to the situation based on their assessment of the situation whether or not it is accurate! From that point on, their interaction with that individual will be based on their perception of a situation which may be based on faulty assumptions. In addition, all communication with that individual will be filtered through their flawed assumption. Without a perception check to understand where the person was coming from, conflict can develop unnecessarily.

Individuals in conflict often believe if only the other person would change their behavior the conflict would resolve itself. Ironically, by expecting the other person to change, we give away all our power because we cannot change another individual. The only person we have power to change is ourselves and how we choose to respond to a situation. In every conflict both individuals are usually part of the problem and by focusing on your part of the conflict you can change the situation.

Multiply the number of individuals in an organization interacting on a daily basis with diverse others, and one can see how unmanaged conflict can become a major reason for work not getting accomplished. By teaching employees communication techniques and ways to get both their needs met as well as their co-workers, disagreements can be resolved before they become a problem for the organization. It is only through understanding that the differences between the generations become assets instead of liabilities that hamper an organization reaching their goals.

Guest writer, Elizabeth A. Spears, PhD owns Workplace Communications, Inc. More information is available at www.workplacecomm.com. 

Reading time: 2 – 3 minutes

It is a classic wimpy boss situation where a crisis is demanding you to make a decision. The employee is getting ready to revolt or walk off the job. The manager is under fire with his boss to cut costs. The salesperson is watching negotiations with the customer falter. Two employees have rubbed each other the wrong way for the last time and begin a shouting match in the office. Whatever the situation may be, I am sure you can write your own script.

You are at the breaking point; the escalating situation has been brewing for some time. Fear is paralyzing you. While you want to blame it on some unforeseen circumstance; deep down you know it’s your own procrastination at fault. The signs have been there along the way, you have just chosen to ignore them. The thought of dealing with the situation is unpleasant and fraught with conflict. You have been listening to you inner voice; rationalizing that you need more information, things will calm down on their own or ….if you make the wrong decision, things will only get worse.

As you feel that sinking pit in your stomach, the thought of making a decision increases your stress levels and you begin to fast dial any resource you have inside or outside the company for help. Your internal bargaining voice kicks into overdrive…”if only I can find someone to help me, I won’t let this happen again.”

But…wait. Someone is stepping in to help you. Whew!

You’ve found someone who can handle this situation! And sure enough, they come in and solve the problem. The human resource manager or consultant you have leaned on schedules a meeting with you to figure out why the situation got to where it did. Secretly, you know, it was your own indecision. You tell them you understand the problem and that you will make an effort to correct the situation proactively. Once they leave, the pressure is off.

A couple of weeks later, you receive a call to check on your progress. Hmmmm…where was that plan?

Issues to discuss? Stories to Share? Post your thoughts or email me!

Reading time: 2 – 4 minutes

Last week, I was called in to help with mediation in a home care situation. In this case, the caregivers are on the payroll of the family. It is an intense and emotional situation as the quality of service provided directly affects the quality of life of the person receiving the care. The mother’s son is the neophyte boss, never having to manage others throughout his career. The frantic call came while I was out of town, one of the part-time care giving aids had just tendered their resignation.

It’s taken a long time for the boss to find employees he is comfortable with in his home caring for his mother 24/7. Throughout the process of trying out employees, one has taken a predominate role; working full time. She dotes and adores his mother, providing her with companionship his mother cherishes. He sees it, feels it, likes it, and consequently, puts her up on a peddle stool. And the other part-timers have seen it, felt it and don’t like it.

He’s in a quandary. This is not the first time conflict has arisen from the ranks. In each instance, there is a common denominator involving the full time person. When aids have left in the past, he accepts their departure gracefully and thankfully (often viewing them as replaceable) or he manages to smooth things out. The full time aid always comes out unscathed and supported. This time it is different. The person leaving is someone he values. He has somehow missed a clear signal of their dissatisfaction; losing an opportunity to recover the situation.

The employee leaving agrees to talk with me. She is articulate in her rationale. Her primary interest is the proper care of his mother. She believes her ability to provide care is compromised by the lack of communication and team work with one of the aids. She does not want to introduce additional conflict into the household and believes her departure will keep the peace. Her compassion and is evident, she is proud of her special relationship with his mother, though sometimes feels others are not as supportive. Through the last several weeks, she has dropped hints of dissatisfaction. She wants to be able to visit his mother, but is deeply concerned that the boss is mad at her. I tell her it’s OK for him to mad at himself -  I know he is not mad at her. People only change when the thought of not changing is a produces greater pain than the change itself.

The boss has a bit to think about.

Issues to discuss? Stories to Share? Post your thoughts or email me!

Reading time: 2 – 2 minutes

Have you ever thought about why conflict exists and where is the source? I often wonder if we have more conflict with people who are more similar or dissimilar to ourselves.

If we take the more similar approach, the adage goes….you will attract others and conversely if you are opposite to one another, you will repel each other. How does this play out in the work environment? Are teams more effective if we select people like us? Will we get done faster or more efficiently or produce a better outcome?

Let’ consider the other  view….opposites attract. Do we naturally want to work with people who are different from us? Is it because they bring something new to the experience or we are just curious how the the half lives? Will we experience more conflict in these situations because our starting points are so far apart or is it conceivable we will find the middle ground? Does it take longer to work with people different from us?

Other thought provokers:

• Is there more conflict in groups that are similar or dissimilar? Why?
• Does group size make a difference? What about two people who work together?
• Should we be designing conflict into our teams?
• Does similarity breed boredom?
• Are opposites too hard to manage?
• Does your opposite make you complete?
• Do cultural differences play a role?

Share your philosophy on conflict or an example where being more similar or dissimilar was a benefit or hindrance.

Issues to discuss? Stories to Share? Post your thoughts or email me!

Reading time: 2 – 3 minutes

If you work in the retail industry, chances are you have experienced a boss who finds it difficult to discipline employees who show up late or skip work entirely. Janice is an assistant manager in a large drug store chain. She’s been working for her boss for the last three years along with a couple of other assistant managers. Recently, a minority employee transferred from an out of state store who had very little tenure in the company.

Far from a model employee; often late, he sometimes remembers to call in sick and in general, fights any direction given by the assistant managers. The other employees idly sit by, watching to see what management will do about his disruptive behavior. Janice and the other assistant managers are frustrated; they have brought the issue to the store manager’s attention with out any resolution.

So why does the store manager ignore this situation? It is because the employee is a minority? Is he reticent to discipline employees?

The bottom line is…it really does not matter the reason or excuse.

The store manager sets the tone of the culture with boundaries and guidelines. If employees do not feel consequences for undesired behavior, then the organization runs amok. Middle management will not step up to lead if they believe their manager is being indecisive or non supportive. For them, it is a no-win proposition.

The challenge is: How do you get the boss to take action? To upset the status quo, the consequences of not changing need to outweigh the risks (real or perceived) of making a change. Determining what matters to your boss will put you on a fact finding mission. It will probably not be about the employee; it will be on a broader, more encompassing outcome. Once you are able to articulate why he should take action and how it affects him personally if he does not, he will move to action.

Stories to Share? Post your thoughts or email me!