One of the affiliations I belong to is a woman’s executive group. The criteria to get into the group requires you to jump a few hurdles in your career, namely be or have been in a position of sufficient power such as a Vice President or higher in an organization.
The group meets once a month. Sometimes we have a guest speaker or visit a business to learn about what they do; other times it might be a social networking event to get know one another better.
A few months ago, we met a jazzy place called the Flight Wine Bar in the historic district of Corn Hill Landing for cocktails.
The first half hour was the usual chit chat talking to the person next to you. Then Marsha, our take charge leader reached down on the coffee table and pulled up a deck of cards. “Let’s play a game.”
Each card had a question on it designed to elicit a candid conversation. Our group had about ten executive women and it was decided we would all tackle the first question.
What significant event in your life affects who you are today?
One of the women enthusiastically shared how the near death of one of her children helped her to reassess the priorities in her life. Several other women shared their personal challenges and then it was time for me to share my story.
My situation was tied to my professional career – no surprise as many of my life choices favored a career over family.
I was in my first job out of grad school working as an assistant store manager in a major grocery chain. I was assigned to one of the busiest stores undergoing a major remodel. The store manager, Alex and he did not like me.
I was considered at “outie” or an outsider. I was new to the company and position; my previous 5 years of experience in grocery retail was discounted.
Alex would scowl at me every time I asked a question. He rode me hard – criticizing, embarrassing and yelling at me in front of others. I worked 12-hour days with one day off a month. His training plan was to break me. To me, he was a bully.
After months of his bully treatment, I began to have severe pain in my stomach, unable to stand up. The doctor decides to perform a colonoscopy to see if there is anything going on physically to cause the pain. I am about 25 years old.
I ask Alex for the day off because I will be sedated and I want to rest afterward. He tells me, “You have to work the evening shift.”
The test finds nothing wrong. In those situations, the fall back diagnosis was irritable bowel syndrome. “Reduce your stress” the doctor says.
I feel like I am in a no-win situation. Approaching my bully boss is out of the question. I place a call to my father.
Until now, my father and I have a good relationship, but not very close. It was a difficult call, I had to swallow my pride and ask for help.
After hearing the story, my father calmly advised me how to maneuver a potentially career stalling moment.
- Contact Alex’s manager and ask for a meeting. Tell him you want to talk about your career at the company.
- Tell Alex that you are meeting with his boss. Let him know you will be having a career discussion.
- During the meeting with the boss, lay out why you believe you should be moved to another store. Place emphasis on your need to have training under a less chaotic environment. The store remodel requires a lot of Alex’s attention and you would benefit from working with a manager who has more time.
- Under no circumstances, do not bad mouth Alex, even though the boss will likely probe to see if you will lay blame. If you do, kiss the job goodbye.
I followed the script to the letter. Three weeks later, I was transferred to another store in another area working for Mark. I did not know what to expect when I showed up for work the first day – who might have said what to whom.
Mark took me into his office and sat me down. He told me understood that I had a difficult time working for Alex and did not want to know the details. “You have clean slate here,” he says “and I am here to help you be successful”. A deep sigh of relief, but it was not over.
The other assistant store manager was an old timer and had his ear in the rumor mill. He tried to get me to talk about the situation. I remained silent. My mantra was to stay focused on learning to be a great assistant manager.
About a year later, I had to go to Alex’s store for a meeting. I held my head high because I knew I had proven I could do what he tried to tear me down from doing. He could not look me in the eye and avoided my gaze. I did not have to say anything, I had won the war.
There were a number of lessons I learned from that experience that helped me read or handle politically charged or difficult situations during my career.
Know the power structure in an organization and how to maneuver it. You can be right and still take the fall. You can hate organizational politics, but if you ignore it, you will get blindsided.
Actions speak louder than words. It is hard to combat performance. It is easy to slice and dice conversations or words.
Seek out expert help – this was a turning point in my relationship with my father – from being a parent –child to mentor-mentee relationship. Without his help I would have surely crashed and burned, given my vulnerable state.
Do not give up on yourself. One person’s view of your career is not gospel. Find bosses or managers who will nurture you while providing constructive feedback. Do not stay in situations where bullies rob your self esteem.
Unsurprisingly, the women who shared their stories had one thing in common: perseverance. What is your significant event? What did you learn from it?
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